Decide, Discharge, and Call—Don’t Spank
Hi you wonderful parents,
I know this is a hard time. I know some of you are in a difficult place, being at home with all the isolation, worry, hardships, and oppressions related to COVID-19 and a collapsing society. Parenting has become even more difficult.
I’ve heard that some of you feel pulled to hit or hurt your children. I want to remind you that you are a good human. You would never feel that you want to hurt your child if you yourself had not been hurt. And you can take steps to stop yourself from hurting your child.
In a session, or when you are not totally restimulated, make a decision to not hit your child. Then discharge in a session. I suggest you discharge on the times when you were hit or yelled at or humiliated when you were young and go back with that young person (yourself) and help them fight for themself. Repeat your decision to not hurt your child.
You can think of several people to call when the heaviest feelings come up. Tell them ahead of time [in advance] that you might call them for help. Instruct them on how to talk with you when you feel pulled to hurt your child. They need to remind you of how good you are and tell you that you do not have to hit your child. They can encourage you to tell them about your hardest feelings.
So, when those feelings come up, first remember your decision to not hit your child and then remember your counselors.
You can also tell your child that they can call your counselors when you begin to lose it [become irrational]. Give them the phone numbers of your counselors so they can call them.
You are not alone. You are a good parent, and your children are good.
Just a reminder: Human beings are full of love. They want to connect and be playful and are eager to be cooperative. If young people (or adults) are not acting that way, it is because they are hurting. Love, closeness, and play will help. You can also set limits that will bring them back in connection with you. Special time, even five minutes a day, will help a lot.
I’d like to know about any successes you’ve had in stopping yourself from hitting your children. Write to Allan Hansen at hansen@rc.org and ask him to post your writing anonymously on the RC e-mail discussion list for leaders of parents.
Somerville, Massachusetts, USA
Reprinted from the RC e-mail discussion list for leaders of parents
(Present Time 202, January 2021)