Teenage Physical Intimacy
The following are two responses to a parent who wrote anonymously to the RC e-mail discussion list for leaders of parents. Her teenage son was considering being physically intimate with someone he had met online. The parent asked for suggestions from other parents for handling the situation.
Dear anonymous mom,
It seems like you have a close and open relationship with your son. That is wonderful. He sounds like a thoughtful young man, and it’s good he is working on getting close to a young woman. It’s also great you are trying to think about him and your family during this challenging time.
I have a son who is now in his twenties. I think what is most important is to maintain your connection with your son as he moves out into the world. This may mean listening to him while he gets mad at or frustrated with you.
You get to figure out how to protect him and your family during the pandemic. That may mean physical contact will have to wait. But he can still get closer to this woman. I know a shy young woman who just went to college and is having a great time getting close to boys because everything is slowed down; the young people have to think hard before they break a quarantine to be intimate. This may be a silver lining [good aspect] of the pandemic.
What is most important in a relationship is closeness and connection. Also, a young man should always listen to a young woman and give her time to think and decide what she wants in the relationship. In this case, it sounds like she may be in more of a hurry to have sexual contact than your son is. It’s okay for him to want to go more slowly and pursue more closeness before sex.
Anne Greenwald
Brookline, Massachusetts, USA
Dear anonymous mom,
Congratulations on having such a close relationship with your teenage son that he shares his life and thinking with you. You and he must be doing many things right to be staying close in this way. Do you still do special time? Have you exchanged special time with each other? Do you wrestle and cuddle these days?
COVID has presented us with many challenges. One that I see for all of us, and teens in particular, is the isolation. It can trigger early lonely feelings that can be hard to look at and discharge. They can impair our judgment about what makes sense in relationships. They can also lead us to think personally rather than collectively. It might be useful to talk with your son about challenging early feelings and share how you do this for yourself.
Early loneliness is being triggered in many of us in this period, but I have seen it be particularly strong in boys and men. And male oppression can lead us to try to handle things on our own [by ourselves]. It is important to talk about this. Many of us want to speed up getting close in crisis situations. Sex can be a powerful temporary contradiction to feeling alone, but it doesn’t address the underlying fears and lonely feelings. Some of us develop big crushes [infatuations]. We can rejoice in these and feel them but not necessarily act on them.
It is hard to figure out safety. Safety must come first. Going slowly with intimacy helps people understand each other, see each other’s struggles, and build connection. I don’t see a reason to compromise on this even when both parties agree and feel urgent.
I’m glad that you have talked with your son about male domination and consent. Are there ways you can get to know the other person and provide support for their building their relationship?
It will be great to hear what you figure out together and what you learn from the experience.
Chuck Esser
International Commonality Reference Person for Family Work
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, USA
Reprinted from the RC e-mail discussion list for leaders of parents
(Present Time 202, January 2021)