Finding Ways to Connect with Our Children
Dear anonymous mom [see previous article],
Thank you so much for writing and for doing it even though it’s difficult to post on the e-mail list for the first time. I think you will give courage to all the other parents who are afraid to write about what is happening at home and how hard things are right now.
We parents, and our children, are in an impossible situation. We are forced to be at home using technology. Parents have to work. Young people have to go to school remotely. When they are not at school, or work, they have to figure out ways to cope with the isolation and loneliness from being cut off from their friends. They are not able to do team sports or sing or dance with their friends. They are not able to explore their expanding world.
I think it’s difficult for each age group in a slightly different way. Certainly it’s hard on teens and young adults. Right [exactly] when they want to learn more about relationships and have all kinds of adventures, they have to stay home and sit in front of a computer or be on the phone for their only contact. Bummer [it’s not good]. I would love to hear from parents of teens and young adults about how they are breaking through [succeeding] to make real contact.
If you can get some sessions about how upset you are about the whole thing, that would be a place to start. None of this is your fault. But you will need to discharge so you can have some attention for it. Work on how isolated you feel and how you felt disappointed with your own parents when you were a teenager or young adult. We all have to really push ourselves to have sessions right now, even though it can feel discouraging.
Once you’ve cleared out some grief, disappointment, and frustration, you can try different things in your family. You can try snuggling close in with your children, sitting on top of them, blowing their hair, acting totally silly to get them to laugh. If they’re able to laugh, keep doing whatever it was that made them laugh. Turn on very loud music and start dancing. Wrestle with them.
Perhaps have a family meeting and get their thoughts on fun things you can do together. Go outside and play frisbee or race each other around the block and offer a prize for whoever gets back first. Have an art evening. Learn a musical instrument together in an online class.
Have a meeting at which everyone has a five-minute turn to yell and scream, or talk or cry, and so on.
Special time is always an important tool. If they refuse special time, do it anyway, but don’t say that’s what you are doing.
Your children really do want you. But they are struggling, too, and they will probably get mad at you when you try these different things. If you can keep your attention out, their anger might tip into crying and telling you what it’s really like for them right now.
Do let me know how it goes.
Somerville, Massachusetts, USA
Reprinted from the RC e-mail discussion list for leaders of parents
(Present Time 202, January 2021)