More Experiences with Toilet Training
This is such a great topic! [See articles Questions about Toilet Training by Ian Granick and “We Are Asking a Lot,” by B—, PT 203, April 2021.] We are in the midst of toilet training with our three-year-old. We started out expecting him to naturally take the lead when he was ready. We bought him a little potty to use and put a couple of potty-related books on his shelf. When he was at daycare, the provider was relaxed about toilet training and would follow whatever lead we parents set, including having a child go bottomless [wear no pants or underwear] for a while. We had intended to keep him there until he was potty trained so we could benefit from her relaxed approach. However, COVID forced her to close the daycare (she is elderly).
He has started preschool in a far more structured environment. The classrooms are divided by age and development, with “potty trained” as a milestone for moving up from the two-and-a-half-year-old room to the three-year-old room.
When many of our son’s classmates moved up and he did not, his teacher proposed a more aggressive approach. She had him sit on the potty every thirty minutes instead of every hour as the rest of the class did. I am embarrassed to admit that I went along with this. My “good student” distresses kicked in [came up], and I didn’t want him “falling behind.” He began to resist using the potty at all, so we asked the school to back off [stop doing what they were doing] and return him to the normal schedule with everyone else. At home we backed off completely and let him retake control of the process.
We have had a lot of success letting him go naked from the waist down at home. He has learned quickly to recognize his body’s signals and can go to the potty by himself when he is half naked (we help wipe his butt after a poop).
However, he prefers to use his diaper if he is dressed. We would like him to start wearing pants with no underwear or diaper so that he can be more aware that there is nothing to catch his pee or poop. We suggested this once, and he resisted. Lately he has even stopped telling us when he has a poop and needs to be changed.
It has been helpful for me to discharge on the following as we navigate this:
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My feelings about achievement—being at the top of the class, ahead of the curve, and so on. A lot of feelings have come up about the fact that he is slower to potty train than some other children. He was much slower to walk and crawl, too, and as a result slower to develop language. It follows that he would be slower to potty train. And the very notions of quick or slow as applied here are distresses of capitalism. However, as a lifelong good student and quick learner, I have big feelings about this!
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My own sexual memories. The time he spends “bottomless” at home is great for potty training freedom and for clearing up diaper rashes, but it also makes his body a part of our daily lives in a way that can be restimulating for me. It’s helpful for me to work on any feelings that come up about his wonderful naked male body and anything he chooses to do with it.
Reading people’s responses, and thinking more, I think my next step will be to discharge general feelings of being overwhelmed, not having time or energy to take this on [undertake this], and not being able to think well about it. There is a lot of room for playing and staying with our son that is neither “trust preschool’s thinking over my own” or “back off completely and do nothing.” I will be thinking about how I can get in there more [be more closely connected with him].
I am so glad that you started this discussion. It has been helpful for me to read everyone else’s thinking!
USA
Reprinted from the RC e-mail discussion list for leaders of parents
(Present Time 203, April 2021)