Trusting a Young Person’s Mind
Recently my seventeen-year-old son has been letting my spouse and me know what we have done—and in some cases still do—as his parents that has been hard on [hurtful to] him. In particular, there were a lot of times when we tried to counsel him when we didn’t have the attention to do it, and he ended up feeling criticized and trapped. Sometimes I knew at the time that I wasn’t relaxed and clear enough to be counselor, but parents’ oppression and my patterns of getting by without discharge had made it hard to prioritize my own discharge as much as I needed to.
When he is talking to us about these things, I remind myself that it’s a great reflection on our relationship that he’s doing this, and I try hard not to say much because I’ve learned from experience that he wants my attention but doesn’t need my comments. It’s not much fun when he’s telling me what I do that is bad for him, and I generally have to decide over and over to just listen and not say the thoughts that come to my mind (“How can you complain after I’ve worked so hard at being your mom!” and numerous other defensive responses).
The other night he was upset at himself for not doing his homework and other projects, and when he came to talk with us, he ended up unloading more of these reflections. I felt unfairly accused, and angry and exhausted. When he was done talking, it was late at night. He suggested that my partner and I have a mini-session while he got ready for bed, which we did. Then he climbed into bed with us to cuddle and be close.
I lay there thinking about how parenting has trained me in the most important parts of RC theory, like trusting young people’s minds, not taking everything a person says in session as what they think, and of course that people mostly need attention more than advice.
Thank you and love to all of you as we parent during this challenging time.
USA
Reprinted from the RC e-mail discussion list for leaders of parents
(Present Time 203, April 2021)