A Success from Having Discharged on Violence
I was able to respond successfully to an incident of domestic violence.
For over ten years I have been discharging about violence. I am a survivor of domestic violence in childhood and young adulthood. My automatic response to violence has been to “freeze” and hope that nobody notices me. I was not satisfied with that. I set a goal to be able to stay present, think, and act when violence is happening.
I recently had a chance to test the results of my discharging. I was standing in the street with three of my neighbors—a man and two other women. The man and one of the women were partners. They began to argue, and the others of us attempted to mediate. The man became angry and left the group. The three women stayed. We talked about what had happened. We asked the female partner if that pattern of behavior was typical of her male partner (it was).
After several minutes, the man returned at a run and began to rush into the circle. I saw him coming. As soon as he took one step into the middle of the circle, I stepped between him and his partner. I didn’t even think about it; I just acted. He kept rushing toward her. I placed my hands on his shoulders and stepped into him, saying, “Step back.” He shouted at his partner over my shoulder, as I kept stepping him backward and repeating, “Step back.” Later, one of the women told me that I had been speaking gently and with a smile on my face.
The man’s shouting included blaming the woman for his difficulties and threatening violence. I was not at all restimulated. I felt connected to the man and the women and could remember that we were all good. I felt strong, and clear that I was setting a reasonable boundary in a reasonable way.
The female partner ran away, and one of the women followed to give her attention. The man shouted obscenities in his partner’s direction and ran off. My husband heard the shouting, came out of our house, and followed the man to give him attention. The remaining woman and I gave each other attention.
The group has met four times since the incident to help the man think about accountability in his relationship with his partner. The female partner has decided she no longer wants to live with the man, and we are supporting the two of them to sleep in different houses in the neighborhood until they figure out how to divide their belongings. It was agreed that they cannot be alone with each other and that if they need to temporarily be together in the same space, one of us will be with them.
The man is interested in making changes in his life. He was willing to listen as each of us told him how we had experienced what happened and how it had impacted us and our children, some of whom had been present during the incident.
I am proud of myself and of the work I have done. Being able to act in this situation has been empowering for me. Three things led to this great outcome:
- Discharging on violence and reclaiming my power
- Building strong relationships in my neighborhood that have helped us become a community in which we trust each other
- Leading men’s liberation and doing it for myself as a woman
We can do this together!
USA
Reprinted from the RC e-mail discussion list for leaders of women
(Present Time 203, April 2021)