Parents Talking to White Children about Racism
Hi anonymous mom,
Thanks for writing with these important questions. I’ll begin by reminding you that you are a good parent and your children are good, too.
I think all parents are thinking about how to talk with their children about racism at this time. In this e-mail I will focus on white parents talking to white children about racism, although some of what I say will apply to all children. I’m not just talking to you who wrote this but to all white parents.
I consulted with Fela Barclift, Regional Reference Person for North Brooklyn, New York, USA; an African American parent leader; and a wise woman. She gave me additional perspectives that I integrated into what I wrote. I invite parents of the Global Majority to write to the list about how to talk to their children about racism.
In order to be effective in communicating with our children about oppression and horrible things happening in the world, we first have to have sessions ourselves. We need to have sessions on racism. Many of us are horrified and full of rage about what is going on [happening]. We need space to unload that. We need to gather other white people around us so that we don’t go numb. We need to discharge our fears, discouragement, and grief. As white people we need to remember where and when racism got into our minds and where we couldn’t talk about it with our parents. We had to witness it and accept it as “the way the world is,” and accept being alone with it. We had to accept our parents’ powerlessness to change it. But now we get to go back and fight for our minds while not being alone with it. We can be powerful.
I do think it’s important for white parents to initiate talking about racism with their white children, to not necessarily wait for them to bring it up. We can talk with them about oppression when they are very young because they are exposed to it early in their lives. Our children need to know that as white parents we are aware of racism and that we think it’s wrong and are going to work hard to undo it in our own lives and in the world. We do not have to worry about them being “uncomfortable.” White people need to feel uncomfortable. But we do need to follow their lead in how much they can hear at any time, and they do get to set the pace. We can listen more than talk. We can be caring and loving and connected as we speak.
We can have short conversations with our children. Not lectures. We can follow their lead. If they don’t want to talk about it, we can try another time.
When talking to our children, we can emphasize how good it is that people all across the world are standing up right now. People are angry, and that’s very good. We can celebrate and support the People of the Global Majority who are speaking out and marching and making their voices heard. Many white people are standing together with People of the Global Majority and being their allies. This is also hopeful.
We have to have in our minds the reality that white people are good. Some white people do bad things, but we are all good humans. It’s good to tell our children this during the discussion.
When starting a conversation with our children about racism, it’s best to ask questions and then listen. We can follow their cues. We can ask questions such as, “Have you ever been treated badly as a young person?” “A girl?” “A boy?” “Have you seen other young people treated badly?” “Have you seen Black children being treated badly?” “Latinx or Asian people?” “Native people?” “Muslims?” “Has anyone in your classroom been treated badly?” Then we can listen to their answer to each question for as long as they are interested in talking. (But we shouldn’t pepper them with questions. This is a slow process. We can ask the questions over time, not usually in the same conversation.)
We can figure out what information it makes sense to give our children at their age. I think it’s better not to expose very young people (probably younger than eight) to the horrible details of what is going on [happening] in our society. What information we give them will also depend on our children and how much it restimulates their harder stuff [distress]. With some young people, we will want to wait until they are older. However, as children grow, they will hear about things in school or from their friends, so it’s good if we talk to them about them first, if we can. At the same time, I would not show them, at any age, videos of people hurting or killing another person. That would be a very big hurt.
Younger young people should not be exposed to the news. The news scares young people (and adults as well) and gives them a distorted and distressed picture of the world. We can keep them away from places on television, radio, the Internet, and newspapers in which they might get exposed to frightening things. At the same time, watching thousands of people standing up against oppression is hopeful. We can find video clips of that on the Internet and watch them with them.
We can give our children a picture of how oppression divides people and how all people want to like each other and be close friends. We can tell them that a lot of people are working to make a world in which people can show caring, stand up for each other, and understand that any differences among humans are insignificant.
We can also tell them that we are at an interesting time in the history of humans, a time when some crummy [bad] things are falling apart and we can build a better world based on what’s good for all people rather than continuing with one in which a few people have a lot of money. Depending on their age, we can give them a picture of the system of capitalism and how we are looking for a plan that is better—a plan that focuses on all people having good lives and being connected rather than some people making a lot of money and having control over other people who have very little money. We can talk about how People of the Global Majority often have less money and access to resources than white people and that that’s part of racism.
Young people often ask why people would do bad, hurtful things. We can explain that people hurt other people because they themselves have been hurt. We can tell them that people come into the world wanting to help people and care about and love each other but that they get hurt. And that if they get hurt badly enough and don’t have an opportunity to talk or cry about it and heal from the hurts, they act out the hurts on other people.
We can tell them that we shouldn’t let people hurt other people. We can say something like, “Just as I don’t let you hurt your siblings when you feel bad, we should stop grown-ups from hurting other people.”
Our children will watch us and the actions we take and learn from watching. They will notice if we have friends of the Global Majority, go to protests, organize the neighborhood, speak out, or participate in civil disobedience and then go to jail. We can talk with them about why we do these things and why it’s important to us. They will ask us lots of questions, and that’s a good thing. If we build a diverse community around ourselves, our children will benefit from that.
We can also get our children’s thinking about what our families could do to make things better and what to do about racism. We can ask them what they would like to do and follow their lead. Whether we write a letter, go to a vigil or protest, volunteer, or sign a petition with them, it will give them a hopeful perspective and contradict discouragement and helplessness.
If they don’t want to do any of that, it’s okay. We get to follow their lead. We shouldn’t pressure our children to go to protests if they don’t want to. They are young people; following their lead supports their liberation.
Whatever age they are, we can teach our children basic RC theory. We can do it as an everyday, ongoing process, in addition to talking about it when something tragic happens. As they get older and ask more questions, we can give them a more detailed picture of reality. We can share our picture of the world as benign. Even though very hard things happen, many more acts of love, caring, and courage are taking place all over the world all the time. We can explain about human goodness and patterns of distress, how people heal from distresses, how distress recordings operate when people don’t have opportunities to heal, and about liberation and oppression.
We can reassure our children that many adults in the world are trying to figure things out so that no person, group of people, or country gets hurt. Each person and every culture is precious and lovely. Our societies are evolving over time, and we can take charge with our intelligence to guide this process.
Our children will use what we say and their own experience to build their own picture of reality. We get to support them in that.
If our children (at any age) hear about something they are not ready for, we can listen to them. We can reassure them that we will protect them and fight for all people.
When children hear, or pick up on [become aware of] people’s feelings, about tragic events in the world, we can do more “special time” with them so they can feel our caring and closeness. They need that in order to discharge. Active, wild play with lots of contact will help them laugh. And laughter lays the foundation for discharging heavier feelings as they come up.
We shouldn’t be surprised if they have a big session over a little thing (most likely not during special time). The little thing can be a pretext for working on a tragic event. But we shouldn’t bring up anything about the event when they’re having the session. Rather, we should listen to what they are saying and follow their minds.
To you, anonymous mom, in particular:
My guess is that you might carry some urgency, especially as a Jewish mom, to act and have your children act. Speaking as someone who is Jewish and also carries feelings of urgency, it’s really okay if your children don’t want to be activists. They are absorbing your values. They will figure all this out as they grow into adults.
You also said that your child is the only white young person in his class. I would encourage you to reconsider that. It is generally not good for young people to be the only person of any background or race in a classroom or school. We shouldn’t put the burden of correcting systemic oppression on our children—they get to choose. Of course, you can listen to your son and get his input on this.
It’s great that your children have Black people in their lives. That will give them a more benign and accurate picture of the world. They will have much better lives with the benefit of having People of the Global Majority in them.
And just in case you forget: You are a good parent, and your children are good children.
Somerville, Massachusetts, USA
Reprinted from the e-mail discussion list for RC Community members
(Present Time 201, October 2020)