Looking at My Relationship to Money
When I was growing up, my mother and her friend would go every Saturday and scour discount stores for goods. We had a closet in the basement filled with stacks of cases of soap, shelves of dented canned goods, boxes of pasta, and so on.
My father got paid once a month, and it was up to [the responsibility of] my mother to make the money last until the next pay. I remember grocery day and our house feeling so full of food. But by the end of the month there was little left after feeding seven people.
My mom would become increasingly upset the closer we got to the end of the month. The sentiment was always, “There is not going to be enough.” We were made to feel bad about wanting. My mother actually used the word “greedy” to describe me whenever I asked for something that they could not afford. Christmas and birthdays were always hard because I wanted so much more than I was given and always felt bad about wanting more. I knew we didn’t have the money, and I was supposed to remember that I had four siblings and two parents who also had wants. However, I cried many tears over things I didn’t get and then got in trouble for doing that.
When I first started RC, I was a single parent of two children and had a limited income. For a while I was also in school. My line to my own children was, “We don’t have the money,” even though sometimes I did. It just always felt like I didn’t or like if I spent it, we’d be in trouble. That was my version of “There’s not going to be enough.”
I often asked for Outreach funds to make it possible for me to attend RC workshops. At one point I had lots of debt and went to credit counseling, which helped me get a handle on [get more in charge of] my debt and figure out how to not incur more. After attending an RC workshop on money, I started discharging and looking at my relationship to money. I began to realize that it had become a habit to ask for Outreach and that perhaps I needed to figure out what I needed as opposed to what I wanted or thought I deserved and work my way to not asking for Outreach. It’s been a long time since I’ve asked for it, and it’s been good for me to have a more rational relationship with money.
There is more to work on. Every time I go to Costco [a very large chain store], I buy another thirty-roll pack of toilet paper and if available another six-pack of large-container Lysol Wipes [disinfectant wipes], despite the fact that I already have enough. I’ve also been pulled to do the same when the grocery store (even pre-COVID) has had a sale and an amount limit. I buy the amount allowed, put it in my car, and go back and buy more. I also have a compulsion to eat more than I need. I might be full, but I feel a strong pull to eat more, sometimes until it is all gone. There is so much more to discharge!
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Reprinted from the e-mail discussion list for RC Community members
(Present Time 201, October 2020)