March 21, 2020


Dear parents,


How do we as parents prioritize our well-being, for both our own sakes and the long-term well-being of our children?


I’ve been thinking a lot about protecting my parents who are over sixty. This is very important. The majority of people who are dying from COVID-19 are over sixty. There is also data showing that adults under sixty, while not dying at such high rates, are getting sick enough to need hospitalization. Hospitals are either overcrowded already or are expected to become overcrowded. As hospitals become overcrowded, death rates will go up for anyone sick enough to need hospitalization, regardless of age. 


As parents raising young children, we are busy. And many of us are now busy handling COVID-19. Every day we are figuring out how to keep our children safe and how to get the food and supplies we need. What does it mean for our children to not be able to play with friends, not see family? How do we ensure our families’ survival and well-being in an economic collapse? How do we think about our children’s lives without a school for them to go to? And so much more. It can be easy to get in crisis mode and just try to handle things. 


And, as parents, it’s easy to run ourselves ragged [exhaust ourselves], feeling like we can sacrifice ourselves for our children, feeling like we have to take care of everyone besides ourselves and that we ourselves aren’t vulnerable. But the data show that we are vulnerable. And we are not expendable.


I’ve been discharging on how much I want my child not to lose a parent during this pandemic. As I discharge, I’ve also been having new thoughts. For example, it occurred to me that if my child gets a fever, probably one of his parents should stay isolated from him, instead of both of us being with him. This will increase the odds that we parents won’t both end up in the hospital, that we won’t end up in the hospital at the same time, and that at least one of us will survive this pandemic.


A lot of the virus spread in China was in family clusters. Taking appropriate precautions to isolate within a household when a family member gets sick is important. This is really different from what we’ve done when our child has gotten sick in the past. We usually stay very close to him when he’s sick. Parents already have immunity to many of the childhood illnesses, so we often don’t get sick, even when we’re close physically with our feverish children. But with COVID-19, none of us have even a little bit of immunity. 


Also, in my experience, even when my partner and I have risked catching something from our child, it’s always seemed worth it to have stayed close to him. Having a little cold or even being laid up [in bed] for a week doesn’t seem so bad in order to take care of and stay close to one’s sick child. And there have been many illnesses when we’ve all been snuggled up a lot. But both parents being with him isn’t worth both of us being hospitalized or intubated or dying. And we’ll have to think about the one parent who does take care of him. Do we change how close we’re used to [accustomed to] being when he’s sick? Do we cuddle less? It’s hard for me to imagine, but I know I need to discharge and think more.


These things aren’t easy to think about. I’m discharging and trying to think around the edges of my own feelings. But I think it’s important to discharge and think as clearly as we can about these issues.


Let’s fight for ourselves. Let’s be intelligent about ourselves and our health as we also fight for our children, our parents, and everyone. Let’s do this because our children need us to stay alive but also just because we matter separate from the work we do and how much we love our children. And the work we do raising our children and how much we love them matters tremendously.