Because of a teaching job, I had been living in a rented room an hour away from home for six months. I had been visiting my husband on the weekends. This break from daily sexism had been an unexpected, joyous, and liberating relief. 


I am now “sheltering in place” with my husband in our home. We are living every moment together. Suddenly the sexism that has played out [been acted out] during our twenty-year marriage is even more glaringly evident—unequal cleaning, unequal space sharing in our small one-bedroom apartment, unaware dismissals of my mind, sexist music and movies, and so on. I am now naming the sexism daily, and daily fights are happening. 


I have usually accommodated him and gotten a session from someone else on my early experiences of sexism with my brothers and father. The fact that we cannot leave the apartment forces me to stay and fight. I still have remote sessions in the other room, but it’s hard for me to keep them private. He is also a Co-Counselor. We have been having messy sessions about sexism, but it is hard for both of us to stay counselor for very long. I have been requiring that he be my ally against sexism and that we work together. 


I’ve been looking at what has kept me from fighting for my right to have some space in the apartment for myself and expecting him to share equally in the housework. It has to do with my fear of hurting (restimulating) him, not wanting to be a “nag,” and early resignation and discouragement about being disrespected as a raised-poor female of the Global Majority (he is upper-middle/owning class and white). 


In many ways we have a good, strong relationship. People compliment us on it and say they wish they had a marriage like ours. This makes it hard to admit to the struggles we are having. Also, because my husband is a Co-Counselor and clearly a good man to most anyone who knows him, it has been almost impossible to show or share my domestic struggles. I feel that I would be discredited. 


I heard Diane Shisk [the Alternate International Reference Person for the Re-evaluation Counseling Communities] say, “We love our sexist men.” This has helped me in the daily fights. I have decided not to keep silently resenting him but instead face the exhaustion and restimulation of naming the oppression as it comes and not going “underground.” As I commit to doing this, I am surprised to notice how much sexism had been coming at me for all these years and how I kept accepting it like the air I breathe. I am curious where this will lead if I discharge my early victimization and low self-confidence.