A Parents’ Workshop recently took place in Lagos, Nigeria. It was led by Marya Axner (International Liberation Reference Person for Parents), Fela Barclift (Regional Reference Person for North Brooklyn, New York, USA), and Dorann van Heeswijk (Regional Reference Person for Surrey and London West in England).
The workshop included the following topics:
Appreciating ourselves as parents: Parenting is one of the amazing gifts of nature. Watching and nurturing a newborn into adulthood is wonderful—but sadly, parents are not paid for doing this great job. Parents must sometimes pause and appreciate themselves. A lot of sessions are required.
Difficulties: Parenting is never an easy task. We must provide all that our children need. We must protect them from the oppressive society. We must train them to be “good.” A child will often disagree with our instructions and fail to appreciate all that we have done. This is never our fault or the fault of the child—it is because of the system. We must prepare for these difficulties by having regular Co-Counseling sessions.
Effects of colonialism on parenting: We are not accustomed to handling situations according to our own culture; much of what we do is based on what we have learned from colonialism. For example, our forebears were enforced in almost everything. So, it feels normal to force children to obey and do whatever we ask them to do. We were reminded that we can handle our children in better ways than this and avoid passing these hurts on to them.
Chronic distresses: We develop chronic patterns when we are continually hurt but do not have the opportunity to discharge. When we are parents, it can be easy to notice our chronic distresses—we need many Co-Counseling sessions to discharge them. We also need a close relationship with a Co-Counselor.
Mothers and fathers: Mothers are not paid for raising children and are not adequately appreciated. If men were responsible for childcare, the system would have looked for a way to compensate them.
Men are trained to oppress women. They are oppressed by the society but not by women. Fathers are supposed to provide for their family, work hard, fight wars, and do tough work. They often don’t have the opportunity to be close to their children. Being conditioned not to discharge makes it harder for them to love and be close. In a world without oppression, both father and mother would share equal responsibility for their children.
When the first baby comes, attention is focused on the child. This is a big change for the parents. For example, it can affect their sexual life. The man gets less attention and may feel lost. Both parents need lots of sessions.
“Discipline”: It will take a long time to heal the hurtful effects of colonialism. The way we treat our children is a direct result of what happened to us during colonization. The following are some ways to approach our children: We can talk with them, understand what is important to them, pay attention, know that they are good, have high expectations, advocate for them, love them and show it, listen and do not jump to conclusions, and play! play! play! All will lead to a closer connection with them.
Leading and Community building: Leaders have the power to make things happen. Parent leaders can guide other parents in making things work well. Top priority is having sessions—to be a good leader it is important to have at least one Co-Counseling session a week. Honesty and vulnerability are key to being a good leader. We can back [support] our leaders even when we disagree with them—and have a session about it.
We can all be Community builders. For example, we can build RC around our family. We can form a parent support group. We need to think about the kind of person we bring to the Community. We can build the RC Community the way we would build a beautiful family.