[To an anonymous mom]


Thanks so much for writing and telling us about your struggle and being so open about where it has been difficult for you. I think lots of parents have these kinds of struggles, so you are not alone.


You are right that there is a lot of pressure on girls to look “pretty.”


I don’t think weight is the problem for your daughter. She’s struggling with some emotional hurts that she hasn’t been able to tell you about and can’t think about. When the body becomes the focus of the struggle, it becomes oppressive. It makes it seem like there is something wrong with the young girl. There is nothing wrong with your daughter; she is okay. What is wrong is the oppression that she has to put up with [endure] day after day as a young person, as a girl, and any other oppressions she faces.


We all have emotional hurts, so her distress is not any worse than anyone else’s.


I would start by shifting the focus to discharging on your own struggles with weight. You can also discharge on how you have been oppressed by sexism and young people’s oppression and on any other hurts you experienced as a young girl. Like all of us, you will need to spend a lot of time discharging on any struggles you’ve had. You also need to discharge on what you watched your family members go through in regard to weight. Go back to those struggles and discharge on the oppression you and your family members faced in regard to looks, sexism, class oppression, and so on.


We want to have enough attention that our young people can bring up anything they need to look at. In order for your daughter to have the confidence and attention to take on [work on] the issue of eating, she may need to work on a lot of other things first. That might take a while, and there is no hurry. And often we are not sure what our young people are working on, and that’s okay. We’re trying to help them build a foundation to work on whatever they need to.


Once you’ve discharged a lot, that will create more space for your daughter to show you her struggles. This may come in different forms, like being angry with you, breaking rules, picking on her younger siblings, and so on. You get to move in and be close when that happens.


Or she might want to be with you more. Try to spend more time with her, playing and being close.


As with any difficulty our young people face, the main thing we are trying to do is to figure out how to be on their side and communicate to them that we are on their side. We do this in a number of ways. “Special time” is at the top of the list. We also play with them, wrestle, snuggle, are silly. Mostly you want to be close to her, spend a lot of time with her, and communicate that she is perfect, just the way she is. Sometimes we set a limit, but the limit should bring the young person closer to us, not distance them.


I would recommend apologizing to her for all the mistakes you’ve made in trying to control her eating. I’d ask her what it has been like for her to have you do that. You might also apologize for taking her to a doctor who didn’t really understand young girls. This will get the blame off of her.


Maybe there will be openings to ask more directly about school and friends or other things about her life, but if you are communicating concern or worry about her, that won’t work. Once you understand that it’s oppression that’s the problem, not her, she may be able to show you more of her struggles.


Once you’ve discharged a bunch, so you have a handle on your own restimulation, you’ll have more attention. Then, if she’s eating out of control, you can play with it. You can say you want to be close to her and pull her toward you. You can lightly wrestle with her. See if it makes her laugh or cry. If it doesn’t, don’t do it.


If she herself ever decides to lose weight, it should be on her terms. You can be an ally, but you should follow her lead.


You are a good mom. Getting closer to your daughter and giving her a hand [some help] is a big project, and that’s okay. All parents have big projects. It’s worth taking on.