Pornography—My Story
I am an Asian woman who grew up in a white-dominated country in the “Western world.” My looks as a young teen were “wrong.” I had black hair and “weird” features. I hated my looks even more when I noticed that boys dared not show that they were attracted to me. When I turned seventeen, I felt it was high time1 to start having sex, as all white young women my age seemed to have started.
Sex was not spoken about at home. My sisters and I understood that we were not supposed to have it until we were married. My education about it was limited, as I did not have any close girlfriends to discuss it with. As a result, I put a lot of trust in the men I met.
When I had sex from age seventeen to thirty-five, it was often when drinking or doing drugs. I lost my ability to think clearly about what I wanted. I agreed to a lot of weird sexual things, including sexual violence, that were inspired by pornography. I might have said no if I had not been high.2
I had a secret love affair with a guy who was seven years older than I was and who was a close friend of my older sister. We were together for four months before we told anyone. I was thankful that he wanted me and agreed to bondage as my introduction to sex. This guy seemed kind and caring compared to guys I met later in life.
Then I had a long-term relationship with a Bisexual man. He liked to watch pornography. He said I was frigid because I didn’t want to have sex while watching it. I found it hard to say no because I wanted to be liked and to be cool.3 The truth was that I felt disgusted. He did hard things to me—there is still physical damage several decades later.
The next long-term relationship was with my children’s father. He convinced me to agree to soft pornography4 to spice up the weekend.5 I was a tired parent with young children, and all I wanted to do was sleep. I hated the pornography, but once again I agreed to it, as I was afraid that he would leave me for another woman.
These experiences led me to a fascination with pornography. For example, when I stay in hotels on business trips, I can get stuck watching it. It makes me feel less alone. Afterward I feel disgusted and swear that I won’t do it again.
I have been pondering why I agreed to all these weird sexual things from age seventeen to thirty-five. One reason was I seriously thought that sexual “freedom” and promiscuity were a brilliant way to protest against my Asian upbringing. They made me feel liberated. I can still feel the urge to have sex when visiting a church, chapel, synagogue, or temple. I feel like rebelling and protesting. The difference today is that I have the discharge process. Writing this story makes me understand that I need to discharge more. I am thankful for the new RC Guideline on pornography.
“Pionee”
1 “High time” means definitely time.
2 “High” means intoxicated.
3 “Cool” means fashionable.
4 “Soft pornography” is pornography that is less sexually explicit than “hardcore” pornography.
5 “Spice up the weekend” means make the weekend more interesting.